There have been many events that have derailed me in my timeline. There have been moments of deep hurt, betrayal, manipulative and destructive 'prophetic words', abuse by spiritual authority and the list goes on...
It has taken me many years of searching and seeking the Lord for healing to get to this place that I am today. A place where I am still sorting through fragmented memories, trying to make sense of my story. Realizing that there are so many "Monsters" attached to the woundings of my heart and that in a way I have nurtured those "Monsters" and consoled them at times, believing that they were the only safe place to run to.
I have struggled with just simply making sense of my story. It has been like loose papers on a windy day, all blowing in different directions. "There is just so much...", something I said recently as I gasped for air to support the deep pain that was traveling through my belly and up to my heart. "...I don't even know where to begin". The pages have been torn and tattered and are unfinished, like alphabet soup. My stories like all or most started with a, "Once Upon a Time...", clinging to a hope for something better, but most of the 35 chapters of my life were disconnected from one another.
Sure I had the thoughts of, "Why, why me?" "God, if you are real then where are you?" Wishing I had never been born, been born to a different family, that I was not lovable, I was alone, I didn't matter, no one wanted me...all this was just what I deserved. Like I said there were a lot of things that I walked through but I don't want to focus there because what has really wrecked my theories of 'why' is realizing what I believed, "I was always just getting what I deserved". When life was hard it wasn't because of a choice I had made, because there was nothing I could do about it, I was just getting what I deserved. I have had many monsters in my life I have had to face. Growing up a very broken, hurting and lonely little person I grew into a very walled up, reinforced fortress, who people pleased to protect myself from more hurt only to find myself again aching inside from the pain that being used brought with it, but hey it was just what I DESERVED and there was NOT ONE THING I could do about it.
The real truth was that I didn't believe that I deserved anything good, I would cleave on to the hurt or table scraps of ones love. Was there more waiting for me, more love, more friendship, more than just what I was receiving. If a delivery truck pulls up to the dock but the gate is closed, shut off, not receiving shipments then the dock will not receiving anything. Left to survive on what it has held onto, what is already in stock. What was already in stock in my heart was rotten and would not bring healing but continue to cause more harm and hurt to my already withered heart.
So what is the truth? Where am I going with this... There will always be hurting people that are walking through life hurting people, because they are hurt themselves. I make choices, I have always made choices to white knuckle those very hard and hurtful moments and tuck them away in the hidden places of my heart and not let them go. Believing that if I didn't hold on to them there would be nothing else to hold on to. I have walked a life of "Table Scraps" mentalities. I knew the truth in my 'know-er' but didn't believe that truth to be true for me in my heart. Instead the lies set up a home in my heart and slammed the door shut on love.
Today I choose to KILL the monster of lies that has told me, I was created for pain, disappointment, hurt, loneliness that all the pain that has been dealt to me was done so because I deserved it. As a little girl I can remember thinking, there must be something wrong with me, that I was a mistake, that God must have gotten distracted when He was piecing me together and that is why I was missing the "good". If I could only be better, if only I was "good" then my life could look like that other little girls, and people would like me, or even more I could feel loved. It was like I walked around with that infamous "Kick Me" me sign on my back. Only mine said so much more. It said "HURT ME" because I didn't believe that I deserved anything better than the hand that I was dealt. Again the "table scraps" mentality, that I only deserve the left overs.
No longer will the fear of hurt contain me, restrain me, keep me prisoner shutting me off to just table scraps. I love knowing that He is in the business of redeeming and restoring. As I get alone with Him and let Him walk me through my timeline putting rhyme and reason to the stories that make up my life, the tiny pin-hole that I have received through has begin to open up to receive more. I will not be shut-off anymore, no longer will I force myself to fit into a distorted mold of "acceptable". Pursuing the heart and will of my loving Father and always running into Him to seek shelter instead of believing I am my only safe place.
God, you said, "come to me...". Today and everyday I choose to come to you and meet with you allowing your love to wash over me bringing your perfect peace to every place in my heart. Thank you for your unconditional love that walks through every moment of my life with me, that carries no shame for my past and so much hope and love for my future. I choose today to bring you all the hurts of my past and surrender them to you. Help me to recognize when I am believing that I am the only safe place. Help me to see vividly the moments when I cling to a hurt believing that I am just getting what I deserve. I ask that you would continue to speak your truths to my heart and thank you for bringing people into my life that encourage and love me right where I am at too. I ask all this in Jesus name, Amen.
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